What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
