okay pat passed out under dana's car
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
