Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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