she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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