I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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