oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
