If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
