They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
