her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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