There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
