i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
