i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
