I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
