Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.