Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet