My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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