You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
