Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
