Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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