My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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