Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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