Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
