I accidentally had phone sex last night
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
how drunk are you?
Several
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
