Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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