he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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