Im at strip club and am horny
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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