My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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