so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
