its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
