Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
she peed on how many people?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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