oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
