dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
