I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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