hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
