fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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