so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
