I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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