I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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