i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
