with your own penis?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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