So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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