just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
