the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
