people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
