i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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