I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize