i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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