I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
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