well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
