whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
