All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
