I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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