just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
