I'm really into asian looking animals
Don't make out with my wife yet
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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