If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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