My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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