Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
