Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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