Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
