the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
