I feel like I'm in dance class right now
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
