and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
