Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
