i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
