Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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