I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
