are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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