They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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