My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
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I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
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It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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