i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
